On My Mind

I have changed throughout the years. I smile less and I just feel different. I feel sometimes that most of the time that I am lonely, that I have no one to talk to. Not like I'm a loner or anything, it's just that I don't really have someone that I can fully trust and know that will listen to me and keep it just between us. If someone ever does read this, you don't have to pity me or feel sorry for me and tell me that you'll be there for me cuz I know you will but it's like, it takes a lot for me to open up to a person I barely talk to. The only person that I know I can always go to is God. But sometimes you know, I would like to have a person to talk to besides God. I know that God will always be there for me but I want moral support and know that someone is listening to me. I always pray to God and my relationship is very strong and good with him. I know that none of this might not make any sense because I'm just typing whatever comes to mind.

Sometimes I feel like I want to die. Not because I feel emo or anything but, because I feel like I can't handle my life and that I don't deserve to live. I don't cut myself or anything tho. I never have thoughts of killing myself just thoughts of dying or going somewhere that I will be happy. I pray to God tho, I always ask him for forgiveness of thinking thoughts like that.

I'm just blogging whatever what is on my mind because I have hella things on my mind right now. For 2009, my main goals are to go to church every Sunday and go to confession every Saturday. So if you're down to go, lemme know. My bond with God is so strong and I just want it to grow stronger. Does that make sense? For the past month, I have gone to Church every Sunday and sometimes even on the weekends. I have gone to confession every Saturday too.

Just like this blog, I'm not perfect. Who is? Everyone has flaws. In the beginning when God made man, he created man perfectly in his image. No flaws and no sin. Adam and Eve broke this though. They created original sin leaving the human society imperfect. I'm not mad at them tho. Even though we are not all perfect, it's our duty to try to become a better person. We have to try and break bad habits and stop doing bad things. The reason why I go to confession is to try and always be pure and free of sin. To let nothing get in the way of my relationship between God and I. This paragraph that I just wrote probably doesn't make sense. haha.

What To Say
Damn. The past three years have been pretty rough for me. In 2006, my aunt died of breast cancer. In 2007, my aunt died of lung cancer. A few weeks later, my grandpa died of a stroke. In 2008, a couple of my grandpas and grandmas died. It seems as if the older I get and start to understand life more, the more relatives are passing. During the past years though, I never forgot God and I never got mad at him. God has always been there for me through all my trials and tribulations. God has been so good to me and I believe he always will. When my aunt died in 2006, I was hella sad. I don’t think I would have ever cried as much as I did.2 years and a month later, I cried even more. I was heartbroken to hear that my grandpa had a stroke. I haven’t seen my grandpa in over seven years and the first thing I hear about him is that he had a stroke? I mean you gotta be kidding me. It was really hard for my mom though. I cried every time I looked at her because I knew she was really hurting on the inside. I knew that she really wanted to see him. There was this huge family fued on my mom’s side. She hasn’t had contact with him for a long time. When she first found out, she didn’t really want to hear it. I go to her room and she’s on the bed looking at pictures. I take a glance of the pictures and they’re of my grandpa. She had some tears. I knew why she was crying, so I told her that we should go to the hospital. At first she said no. But, I kept telling her we should and I told her I knew that she wasn’t fine and told her that I knew why she was crying. She said, “Okay, we’ll go.” When we first got there, I saw my relatives that I haven’t seen for hella long. I walked into the emergency room with my sister for the first time and I saw him. He was lying on the bed with wires and tubes attached to him. I immediately started crying. I haven’t seen him in hella long. He still looked the same. Exactly as I remembered, just a little older. I have never really told anyone what I’m blogging, but right now I’m listening to hillsong and I’m just in the mood. It’s almost been a whole year since he died. The year has gone by so fast. Well, I’ll probably edit this later.

I should be asleep right now, it's 2 something in the morning right now. Church tomorrow!!!! And I went to confession today. I got in a big fight with my sister today. I'm ashamed cuz it was pretty bad. But we made up, sorta. We're cool tho. Well, gonna stop bloggin' for now. Gonna watch t.v. Bye! Hope you enjoyed this blog. (: